Update, girl drama

[lalicopa]

Turns out they were all mad at me *before* the panic attacks...but it was my lack of connecting during the panic attacks that got them all talking about how I'd hurt them. I'm really still not sure what I did, but it seems they all felt we had this special bond (which I felt too) and that I pulled myself out of it once I started making other mommy friends. Whether this is true or not, they felt hurt and reciprocated in the pulling back. And decided as a group that I'd mistreated them and was no longer interested in their friendship. Way to go. 2 + 2 = 15.

Mind you, NONE of them mentioned this to me back then. They just kept inviting me and kept seeing me and including me but secretly resenting me. Not until I started suffering with my panic attacks while pregnant with Lily did they actually sit down and say, "You know, this isn't the first time I have felt hurt by Jen."

And while all of this makes me feel sad, it also makes me really angry - because they were all ok to just let me drift away without ever confronting me about how they were collectively feeling. Yes, I did make new friends that I saw very frequently. Yes, I included them in my new activities as much as possible. It happens. Luckily, new friends happen.

So now we're at the part where the "what do we do to fix this" stage has happened. They'll invite me now. I'll go. But how the fuck can I be myself now that I know they were all having these negative feelings about me and just letting it slide? I swear, I was already thinking of how I'm going to show up at the next get together...with freakin' homemade cookies or some shit, and gifts for all their kids. Ooh, insecurity...my forever blanket.

Comments

[tahoebean.livejournal.com]

you know, we have a really great group of women over @ gynosaur.com in our pregnancy after a loss playgroup. :) we've all been through miscarriage or infant loss, and have gone on to have babes, and stuck with eachother through thick and thin :) I know you'd be very welcome!

pregnancy after a loss playgroup ;)

[mijven.livejournal.com]

Your insecurity issues are not the problem here. They were the ones hurt by your making other mommy friends (and then having panic attacks.)

That said, I think we're all allowed a little insanity in these early childrearing years. If it keeps up, okay - it's a permanent personality flaw. (Which means I may be in for a rude awakening once I can no longer blame sleep deprivation for my bad moods. ;) Go, be yourself, and be willing to realize the bond - while not quite what you thought it was - is still one worth strengthening. After all, life would get pretty boring if we got all the answers right on the first try.

[preternatural.livejournal.com]

*I* think it's logical that you're feeling uncomfortable about the situation. They've already shown that they can act normal toward you while feeling resentful on the inside, what's to say they won't do so again?

*They* have lost *your* trust by being dishonest with you.