Annoyed

Not sure what detail I've gotten into about my childhood, but the main recurring thing that fucked me up (other than my parents' marriage) was that my mother *clearly* favored my middle brother. I have 2 brothers, 9 and 12 years older than me. The one who is 9 years older, S., is different from J. and me - in ways other than our first initial. I grew up with the blatant knowledge that my mother preferred boys in general, and my one brother over either of us. I have heard my mother say on many occasions, "I just love little boys. Little girls just say, 'Look how pretty I am' while little boys say, 'Look how high I can jump!'" I know deep down inside that it probably comes from some self hatred or jealousy, but that never made it hurt any less being her only daughter.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

My mother has also made it quite clear, although without saying it flat out (something different than when I was growing up) that she prefers Laszlo to Lily. When I talk to her on the phone, she will often say, "How's my man today?" and then ask about Lily a few minutes later. She *knows* this gets under my skin. When I was pregnant with Laszlo, I went to her house crying saying that I was worried she wouldn't love my child if it was a girl. I guess I figured that she got over herself by the time I was pregnant with Lily, or that I just didn't give a shit because my family is MY family and she's extended family at this point.

Last week I took both kids to the pool at my mother's house and my mom was there with a friend I hadn't met before. As we walked up, my mother started saying, "Anne, this is Laszlo, the love of my life. My best friend. Laszlo, can you say hi to Grandma's friend Anne?" This went on for a few minutes, then I said, "Hi Anne, this is Lily." My mother made a face as if I was nuts. Then a few minutes after Anne left, my mother came over to me and my friend and said, "Anne couldn't get over Laszlo." I asked her why. She said, "Oh, just because he's so gorgeous and smart and funny." Meanwhile, Laszlo spent about 20 seconds in her presence and spent the rest in the pool with me and Lily and his friends. My friend Sheryl said, "Did she say anything about Lily?" "No." At least Sheryl saw it first hand now, so I can talk to someone who has witnessed this sick behavior. Prior to that, she thought I was exaggerating.

This afternoon my mother called from Manhattan because she had a few minutes before the show she's there to see started. She said, "How's he doing today?" So I said, "Who?" She said, "My little buddy." I said, "He's fine, is there any reason he shouldn't be?" (sorta figuring maybe I forgot something that he didn't feel well or something). She said no, just that she wanted to know how he was doing today. I said, "He's fine. Lily's fine too." She said, "I was just going to ask about her." I shit you not.

My mother's not the kind of person I can have a rational discussion with about this, because then it turns into me attacking her, me bossing her around and controlling every word she says, etc. Which of course is just what I'm trying to do. If I tell her I was hurt by the same behavior growing up, her reply is, "Well you're nuts" or "You're right, I'm a terrible mother." I just don't know how to shield my precious children from this. It's not just Lily I want to shelter, it's Laszlo too, because it's just as unhealthy for him to be around it. I don't want to limit her seeing him/them, because that's really not the end result I'm looking for here. I just can't take this shit anymore. It's infuriating.

Lily is so cute and funny and good and delicious. People say to me, "Oh, your mother must eat her up." Nope. And people similarly assume that I was spoiled because my mother had a 9 and a 12 year old boy when she finally got a daughter. Nope.

Thanks for letting me vent, and for reading this far.