lalicopa | Entries tagged with robert

Tonight I went to the home of one of the "infertility girls" (for those of you who forgot or are new to my LJ, I was in an infertility support group, there were 5 of us, we each have 2 kids of our own now...) for a girls' night chat snack fest. I haven't been with all of them without kids I think maybe since I was newly pregnant with Lily. We had some drama a few months ago and I was left out of the group, but it seems we're past that now and it felt so good to be with them again.

We talked about our kids, our husbands, our hormones. We ate cheese doodles and chocolate cake and cocktail wienies.

There were laughs and tears...lots of emotions about mothering, issues with kids, feeling inadequate as parents, etc.

The get together was called for 9, I told Robert that I'd be home around 11-11:30, that I'd have my cell phone but that I wouldn't call home if we were running late because I didn't want to wake anyone up. He called me around 12:30, just as things were winding down. Pissed off. Lily was awake and crying. Ok, she's your daughter too, fucking deal with it.

I got home 20 minutes later to a quiet house, Lily was out cold in her crib and my bed was empty. Robert took himself to the basement and went to sleep (without the baby monitor). I went down there to see what was going on, he said "I just had to get some sleep, I put her in her crib while she was still crying." He couldn't have held her for 20 fucking minutes until I got home? He doesn't have to go to work tomorrow. He couldn't fucking handle his 11 month old daughter in the middle of the night for a few minutes??!! The only times I've gone out without the kids have been with these girls. EVERY time, he's called, pissed off that I'm later than expected. I specifically told him that I may be later than 11:30 if things go well, but I'd be reachable on my cell at all times.

None of the other husbands called, as usual. Luckily, everyone was getting ready to leave, but his timing was fucking perfect. I was just feeling really warm and fuzzy again with these very special friends, and he had to act like a fucking child again and call me home.

I think this is just as much my fault as his, because he's spoiled when it comes to our kids. I always take care of them. I always wake up with them in the middle of the night. I think I have to get out more like this to set him straight. I know he had a hard week at work, but don't I fucking deserve 3 and a half hours with adults without my kids with me? Particularly if I leave the house when they are both asleep?!?! Sheesh. Men are such fucking babies.

Ok, that's all. I'm feeling extremely grateful at this time because all of them have had experiences with severe post partum depression and one is going through it horribly right now. She opened up and was crying and we were all trying to support her. I can speak of anxiety and depression, only mine happens *during* pregnancy and goes away afterward.

That's all, gonna go through this bag of hand me downs for Lily that I got tonight and then go to bed...just had to vent this out a bit before turning in.

I'm so very bored. I could be doing a million productive things, but it's after midnight and any of the things I should be doing require some alertness as well as some noisemaking...so it ain't happening. I need to transfer some files from old puter to new puter, but I'm still up in the air about just using the old puter as a third drive and networking all three (mine new and old and Robert's). I don't have a cable for that computer, so I'll probably just use the external drive to transfer stuff over for now.

I know, very exciting.

Robert's been off since Thursday. We've actually had a pretty nice time together. We have only had minimal bickering (like when he insisted on eating pistachios with the shells during Desperate Housewives) but thankfully no major blowouts. I always get nervous when I know he'll be home for an extended period because we usually end up fighting about something stupid and it spins out of control. I'm so glad we avoided that this time.

Lily's coming down with something, although it might just be another tooth. Her upper gums are so swollen. I can actually see all her teeth through the skin, which I don't remember happening with Laszlo. In some pictures she actually looks like she has all her upper teeth because of how close to the surface they are. Considering how painful it looks, she's been a real trooper. Today her cheeks were extra rosy and her eyes were a bit glassy. Also nothing was making her happy and she was arching her back when I tried to hold her. :-(

I'm still upset about what happened with the girls from my infertility group. It basically ended up being 4 phone calls with each of them listening to them tell me why they were angry with me. They all said that it didn't start with the panic attacks and that the panic attacks had nothing to do with why they stopped talking to me. They each had bones to pick but just chose to ignore it and drop me rather than address it. I don't know why I'm pursuing their friendship now. Partly because they were a special part of my life and also because they each told me the reason they were so angry with me was because I was unavailable to them once we all had kids. Whatever.

Hmm...I think that's all. Been thinking about the possibility of a third child in a few years. Nothing that we'd do soon. I would need at least one of them in school for some regular schedule. I don't know how I'd even go to the supermarket with 3 kids. Andrea, how on earth do you get *anything* done???? You amaze me, woman.

Heard from the early intervention people about Laszlo. The OT is recommending occupational therapy for him, but for those stupid things that aren't really wrong (not being able to cut with a scissor, not being able to string beads, not following her directions, etc.) Apparently there's a meeting with the school district and someone from the early intervention office and they invite me to the meeting and we all discuss whether or not Laszlo qualifies for treatment. The more time passes, the more I think that it was a mistake to get him tested in the first place. I know my son. He's really smart. He's really quirky. He's the sweetest boy I know. He's just like several other members of my family, all who are very successful thus far. I think he just hates crowds and loud music. I think he doesn't like being away from his parents. I don't think these things are anything "wrong" with him...it's just who my boy is. We'll see what they recommend. We're certainly not required to do anything they suggest, although I'm kinda curious what would even go on. In a way I feel like I should take their "help" even if it's just so Laszlo can get used to another adult without Mommy right there.

Lastly, my old shrink called me the other day to thank me for the holiday card, say the kids are cute, etc...and then she asked me about my fertility doctor. She asked if she could have his name and number "in case, ya know, I need it for referrals." Now I stopped seeing her professionally when Laszlo was born almost 3 years ago. When we spoke after he was a few months old, I asked her what the statute of limitations was with regard to being friends with your ex-therapist. She said that if we had met in any other circumstance, we'd be best friends, but professionally she didn't think it was right. She actually consulted some other therapists and such and asked their opinions. They all thought it was a bad idea and that it would "undo" the therapy we had done. Um, whatever. But we do speak once in a while and I call her with concerns about Laszlo because she's worked with lots of kids and I always appreciate her advice. Anyway...I had a feeling that she wanted the fertility dr.'s info for herself. So I said, "I'm dying to ask you, is this for you?" Then I said, "But I know I can't ask you that." I could tell over the phone that she was blushing. She said, "Now, I can't answer questions," in this tone that I know she was confirming that it's for her. I said, "Well, ok. Please tell WHOEVER it is you're giving this number to that they can feel free to use my name. Please tell WHOEVER it is, that I wish them luck." We laughed. I still hope that one day we can be friends...maybe she'll call me for some mommy advice in a year or so down the road!

Wow, I'm really rambling now. Has anyone actually read this far?

Hmmm...apple with peanut butter or sleep? Or apple with peanut butter and then sleep? I know, the suspense is killing you.

Laszlo had a cold and shared it with me, in turn sharing it with Lily. Luckily Lily didn't really get it, just a lil stuffy nose. Laszlo had it the worst, poor lil guy. He's finally clearing up. His cheeks are raw and red from all the wiping and dripping. To make matters worse, he burned his hand on the instant hot water last night, which was a total nightmare. This was his first *real* boo boo - nothing like a scraped knee or banged up shin. He was ok a few minutes after it happened, but then was screaming 45 minutes later to "clean your hand" and that lasted for 2 grueling hours. I called the dr. and I gave him motrin and put cold compresses on him, but he just didn't understand what happened or why it kept on hurting even after I "kiss it better" - my heart was breaking. Thank goodness he didn't even remember it today and although it's a bit red, it's apparently not bothering him at all.

I tried to go to the post office while both kids were sleeping in the car, but the line was too long and I didn't feel comfortable leaving them unattended for that long. I have 2 other packages to mail anyway. After Robert got home tonight, I asked what time the drug store on the corner closes. We agreed that we thought it was 10. I mentioned that once the kids were both in bed that I'd run out to get some packing tape so I could mail all the packages (Yes, Tristyn, yours is one of them!) tomorrow while my mom's here and stays in the car with the kids. The post office is literally a half a block from here, but the desk is up a flight of stairs and behind a glass door. It just doesn't seem worth the hassle to do it with both kids if I can just wait til my mom's here to sit with them. Anyway...the kids were both in at 9 and I said I was going to run out to get the tape. Robert pouted and said something like, "Oh, and you'll probably get frozen yogurt too, right?" I said, "Yeah, since I'm going out, I probably will." So with that annoying wounded puppy look he said, "Ok, so I'll see you in like a half hour." I mean, seriously...all he would have wanted was to have sex, which could have just as easily happened at 9:30 upon my return. He said, "I thought we could just sit here as a family." More guilt. I said I wouldn't go, but he defeated himself because there was also no way I was going to be intimate with him now that he stopped me from doing something I needed to do. He realized how fucked up it was of him, so he kept apologizing and telling me to go...finally he got up and went for me. I guess I got the best deal, but it was so annoying. I hate that he makes me feel guilty when I want to do the littlest thing for myself. Same thing happens whenever I want to take advantage of our amazing massage tub in the bedroom. It makes noise when the bubbles are on, so he can't watch TV in there while I'm in it. Big fucking deal. So I have spent many nights wanting a bath and passing on it because he wants to watch freakin' Hannity and Colmes. I really should just stand up and do what I want...but then usually it's not worth the headache in the first place. I have a very good life here and I see these things almost as part of my job being married to him. I get to stay home with the kids and live in a beautiful house in a great neighborhood - so I have to put up with some husband bullshit as part of my job duty.

Ok, vent over...I think.

We have music class tomorrow. My mom's coming to help and to see how totally nuts Laszlo is. Last week after each song started he said, "music off" and as soon as it was off he said, "music on" and kept saying he wanted to leave. Then when we left, the lil booger said, "You go music class again." Then he said, "Very good boy music class. You go music class elevator again?" (It's on the second floor). I swear, he's just a lil manipulator. He's been *SO* much better lately since I'm standing up to him more and since I have convinced Robert to not be such a puppet.

Hmm...I'm smelling a theme here. Better end this before I find someone else that's taking advantage of me!

Robert's on my nerves today. He knows just how to get under my skin, and a rainy Saturday holds me captive to his poking. From the minute I woke up today, he's been getting on me. I made jokes that he took his "annoying pills" today, but he just kept on going until it ended in an argument. He asked me three different times WHY I did things. Why did I put the sticker on the floor to ruin it? (The sticker fell off the chairs we just bought in the office and of course on MY chair, and stuck right on the floor). We got movies from Netflix today, and I ordered them weeks ago but we haven't had time to watch any. He asked if we got any movies and I told him they were movies that we don't want. He said, "Why did you order movies we don't want?" Mind you all, I order all the movies, he could just as easily go online and order them, but he'd rather me do it and then criticize my choices.

Then it started raining a few minutes ago. I accidentally left the grill open when I made myself hot dogs for breakfast (I know, gross). I asked him if the grill was open RIGHT after it started raining, he said, "No, you forgot to close it. I hope it still lights."

I swear, this man gets off on making me feel like shit about stupid things. And if I place blame on him for anything, he freaks out.

Don't get me wrong, he's great most of the time, but when he gets in these moods I could see myself punching him out.