Ella

[lalicopa]

Last night (or this morning) I had a horrible nightmare that Ella didn't survive. I was on the toilet and I smelled blood, then looked down and saw blood. Somehow I knew that she was dead. I remember having all these feelings, trying to figure out how to explain it to Laszlo and Lily since they are so aware of her existence.

I was disturbed for about an hour after this woke me. I couldn't sleep until I felt her move.

Today we were at the park with one of my closest friends. She said, "I know that the rest of your pregnancy is going to be just fine." I said, "Why is that?" She said, "Because last night I dreamt that Ella died." Her dream was similar to mine, that I delivered her and she died. She said that it means only good things when people dream this.

I'm feeling very connected to this baby today, feeling truly excited about her coming into our lives. She feels so real. I can't wait to meet her and hold her and have the other kids play with her and get to know her. I can't wait for all the new baby stuff again...teensy diapers, belly buttons, crusty toes and fingers. That smell. I can't believe it's so far off...I don't remember my other pregnancies seeming this endless.

I don't feel like these dreams mean anything negative, I just think it's entirely strange that we shared such similar themes. She actually DID lose a baby at 5 months, the baby had Trisomy 18 and she went into labor that was unstoppable. He died shortly after he was born. She never held him and didn't even see him, although her husband did see him. She has since had two healthy children, my kids' best friends. For a while it was a joke that she should get pregnant so this baby will have an automatic best friend too.

Comments

[tellinellen.livejournal.com]

pregnancy nightmares are so scary.