Bama

I've been putting the ointment in 'Bama's eyes all weekend as instructed. She's not really any better. Her eyes are less red, but this morning something troubling happened. There was some blood in the corner of her eye. I wiped it away and thought maybe it was just from something dry or scabby.

Then just now I saw some blood coming out of her nostril on the same side. This can't be good. I'm really worried about her. Is it horrible that more than anything I'm worrying about how to explain to my kids if she dies? I mean, I feel awful that she's in pain, if she is and I want her to be ok, but if she's not, I feel like I have to prepare for how to explain that to the kids. I'm not one to lie or make up stories, so I have to find the right way to do it.

We have a vet appointment at 6:45 tonight to follow up on the eye thing and to go over the bloodwork they did on Friday morning. So we'll see.

My fingers are crossed, and I'm scared.

She's gone

I took Bama to the emergency vet clinic after my vets were unable to diagnose her with anything. The vet there said that she had a tumor behind her eye, that her other eye was completely blind. He said she was probably in pain from the NON tumor eye because of glaucoma and that the recommendation would be to remove that eye. In the other eye, there was a tumor (assumed) and either a clotting disorder or an entanglement with a blood vessel. The best case scenario was that they'd do the CAT scan and find out that she had a tumor/growth/whatever and then remove it, which would mean losing any vision in that eye (which had vision). The cost of all this would be $5,000 minimum and there were no guarantees that she'd react favorably to the procedures let alone to being blind.

She was 12 1/2 years old.

I made a bunch of phone calls and spoke more with the vet, who looked like a child, but was very sweet and smart. He said I was doing the right thing. I called my regular vet and the woman I was speaking to there before said I was doing the right thing. I just hate that it was my decision. Although in all honesty, it really wasn't, because she wasn't going to bounce back even if we did do all the interventions possible.

I broke down in the parking lot and cried most of the way home. I stopped off for some therapeutic chocolate.

I told the kids that Bama was very sick and very old and that the doctors tried to help her but that there was nothing else they could do. I told them she died and we wouldn't have her anymore, but that we loved her and she loved us very much. They asked a few questions and I think there are more to come when they really realize she's not here.

Gotta go boob Ella to sleep, more later.