There IS such a thing as bad kids.

[lalicopa]

Lily, Ella and I take a music class every Thursday. It's based on the very popular Music Together series, only the teacher left that organization and rerecorded all the music adding her own touches. A local family hosts the class at their house. The dad is usually home because he's a cantor and the mom doesn't work. Their older daughter T is in Lily's class and the younger one is under a year old.

A few months ago we started staying for lunch with one other mom (my friend Lori) and her two daughters, also one in Lily's class and the other under a year.

The other girls are not four yet and Lily's been four since March. Lori's daughter Eden is very friendly, pretty mature, gorgeous, etc. T is a baby. A spoiled baby. And she worships Eden. It's the typical two against one dynamic with the big girls every week.

I spoke to Lori about Eden and T leaving Lily out. She spoke to Eden and since then Eden has been significantly better. T has not. T's mom has spoken to her and I've seen her scold her on many occasions, but she just does not listen.

Today the girls were playing and T took a toy away from Lily to give it to Eden. She looked at me, saw that I was upset and then gave Lily a different toy.

The girls went into the basement to play while the parents and babies were upstairs after lunch. I thought I heard Lily crying, so I said, "I can't tell if it's laughter or crying I hear." The other moms agreed that if it was crying, one of them would have been upstairs to tattle, since that happens a dozen times while we're there.

No tattling.

About ten minutes went by and I felt that it was Lily crying, so I said, "You know, I may be paranoid, but that sounds like Lily crying to me."

I went downstairs.

Lily was in hysterics, outside the office in the basement, the door to the office was shut. T and Eden were inside the room, not letting Lily in. Lily was trying to open the door but couldn't, and she was screaming and crying asking them to let her in.

I opened the door and saw Eden on the computer playing and T with her fucking evil face looking up at me. She was actually taking pleasure in the fact that she made Lily cry. It was clear as day. She only wiped the smile off her face when I started to go ballistic telling them it wasn't ok that they did that to Lily. I wanted to shake the shit out of that kid, but I refrained and instead comforted my child and took her upstairs to clean up her tears.

I told the grown ups what happened. They went right downstairs and were there for a few minutes. T and Eden came up and apologized to Lily in that lame ass way kids apologize when they're forced to.

I couldn't even look at my friends. I just had to leave. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. Lily is the sweetest fucking child I've ever met. She's never mean. She never leaves anyone out. When I took Lily upstairs she was telling me through her sobs that she told them earlier that if they were nice to her she'd invite them to her birthday. She was trying to guarantee that they weren't mean to her. She thought the promise of a party would cinch it. But it didn't work. Bitches.

In the car I told Lily flat out that I don't think T is a nice girl. I told her that I think Eden is nice, but that sometimes when there are three kids, it's hard to all get along. Then I told her that we're not staying for lunch anymore after music. It's ok if they ignore her during class because she's with me and she's participating. But this is ridiculous.

I don't have to stay anywhere my kids aren't 100% comfortable, let alone a place that makes her cry every freakin' week.

Also, I know Lori's going to say that the girls aren't always mean to her, that Lily has to toughen up, etc. If that was the case, Lily would cry in other social situations, which she does NOT. She has play dates all the time and this is the ONLY thing that makes her cry like that.

I'm so angry. I'm mostly angry at myself for putting Lily on the line like that. For not going downstairs the first time I thought I heard her crying. For giving a shit what my peers think even when my momma bear instincts are always right.

Comments

[mollyf.livejournal.com]

Oh, Jen. ((((((((Lily)))))))) There's a little girl who was in Sasha's preschool and kindergarten classes who was just a born bully even at 4, so I know what you mean.

[kris1225.livejournal.com]

be gentle with yourself. you couldn't have known. the only wrong thing you can do is to put her back in that situation moving forward. that would be putting her on the line.

[intravenous.livejournal.com]

I don't have kids and generally think they're whiny pains anyways but THEY LOCKED HER OUT. That is NOT okay!

[tellinellen.livejournal.com]

oh man, that is awful! poor lily.

[catyak]

Some kids are just bullies by nature. See if you can explain the thought process to Lily and that the best way way to deal with it is to not react. I know it's not easy to understand at that age, but if some of it sinks in she might handle the next one better (seeing as we come across bullies all through life).

Either that or work with her to improve her left hook so she can solve it herself next time...

D

[schmoomom.livejournal.com]

P's a lot like that too, it's heartbreaking. Massive hugs.

[joy-disaster.livejournal.com]

T sounds EXACTLY like m friend (ex friend?)'s girl twin. She was JUST like this with Zella, pitting her brother against her and obviously enjoying the tears from bewildered Zella. She lacks empathy. In this case I can tell it is the parents fault, they openly prefer the boy, dismiss the girl and always have. THough I can see the girl is acting out the fragile attachment it still makes me ENRAGED and I detest the little twerp. She is the one that jumped up next to her mother while we were both on the couch and began pummelling my pregnant belly with kicks.